Precious

We used to talk till the morning got shy Laughing like the world was a secret of mine You made little nothings feel bright Now every pause has a knife I watch the screen like it owes me the truth Three little dots turn to nothing from you You say, “I’m here,” but it lands like smoke And I don’t know if I’m allowed to hope Maybe it’s work, maybe it’s rain Maybe I’m making a ghost out of space Maybe I loved you too loud, too soon Maybe I’m wrong, maybe I’m reading the room I keep making my needs smaller Like that’ll make you stay longer But I’m down to almost nothing And you still pull away Tell me I’m not imagining this Tell me the room didn’t change Tell me I didn’t dream the way You used to say my name Tell me where I lost you Tell me what I did Tell me I’m safe here Tell me we’re fine Before I fall apart in my mind I’m still here, still trying But I’m tired of crying Come back before I go quiet Come back before I go quiet Yesterday feels like a year in my chest And months ago still sleeps warm in my bed I don’t trust time when I’m missing you It bends every minute till I can’t tell what’s true So I wrote it down just to prove I could see Red for the silence, blue for the sweet Dates like bruises in a private file Trying not to call my own heart a liar Then the thing I made you sat there overseas Still holding the shape of what we used to be I watched the days run out, and I think I knew Even my love couldn’t get through to you My friends say, “Baby, what else do you need?” They see the glass underneath my feet But I keep saying, “He’s just tired tonight” While I’m bleeding out, trying to be polite You answer questions without answering me You walk around every word that I need Love, us, future, what are we now? You change the subject and I write it down Tell me I’m not imagining this Tell me the room didn’t change Tell me I didn’t dream the way You used to say my name Tell me where I lost you Tell me what I did Tell me you see me Tell me you care Before I break from reaching for air I’m still here, still trying But I’m tired of crying Come back before I go quiet Come back before I go quiet Was it something I said? Was it something I missed? Did I hold you too close? Did I ruin it? I keep replaying the good days Like they’ll tell me the truth But they all end in static When I get back to you And I hate that I’m asking I hate that I care I hate that I’m searching For proof you were there Was I loved? Was I easy? Was I only a phase? Did you mean what you gave me When you looked at me that way? Tell me I’m not imagining this Tell me the room didn’t change Tell me I didn’t dream the way You used to say my name Tell me I’m not imagining this Tell me the room didn’t change Tell me I didn’t dream the way You used to say my name Maybe it’s too late now Maybe I’m too tired Maybe all this asking Burned out the fire I’m still here, still breathing But I don’t feel like crying I think this is me going quiet I think this is me going quiet No more asking No more reaching Your silence finally Finished teaching me I went quiet I went quiet I’m still here But I don’t feel like crying

You came in sweet, like you meant it Laughing with me on the phone Said my name like it was sacred Held my face like I belong You made the world feel smaller Like there was no one else in view And I was careful with my heart Till it started trusting you You called me sweetly in the morning Texted me like breathing air Looked at me like I was precious Like you’d always find me there Then the fire went quiet And I still burned You took one step back And my whole room turned I kept reaching for the person You were at the start Do you know what that does To a loyal heart? How dare you love me like that Then leave me lonely like this? How dare you build me a heaven Then act like I imagined it? You made me fall, made me safe Made me think that I could stay Then you changed, then you faded Like I wasn’t breaking every day But love is not a sentence Love is not a cage I can love you with my whole damn chest And still walk away I won’t disappear, disappear Not for you, not for anybody else I won’t disappear, disappear Just to keep you in my life I hated how I missed you I hated that I cared Hated checking my reflection Like the problem might be there Was I too much? Was I too open? Did I hold you too close too soon? No, you don’t get to make me crazy For believing what you said was true You weren’t evil, you weren’t heartless That’s the part that hurt the worst You just loved me like a sunset Then left me standing in the dark And I cried on the phone Till my friends knew every line I said, “I’m done,” then almost called you A hundred different times But my heart is not a hallway For someone passing through I was born to be loved fully Not to beg for scraps of you How dare you love me like that Then leave me lonely like this? How dare you build me a heaven Then act like I imagined it? You made me fall, made me safe Made me think that I could stay Then you changed, then you faded Like I wasn’t breaking every day But love is not a sentence Love is not a cage I can love you with my whole damn chest And still walk away I won’t disappear, disappear Not for you, not for anybody I won’t disappear, disappear Just to keep you in my life Love is a promise to care Not a promise to bleed Not a promise to shrink Till there’s nothing left of me Love is not waiting by the phone Praying you remember my name Love is not swallowing silence And calling it grace So I took myself back With a shaky breath Built a wall Where I used to bend And I cried like a child But I stood like a queen I loved you, I loved you But I chose me How dare you love me like that I was so angry for months How dare you make me believe I had finally found the one But now I don’t need you guilty And I don’t need you to crawl I hope life gives you tenderness I hope you learn how to hold Someone else without running Someone else without fear Someone else without making them Feel alone when you’re near And I’m not disappearing I’m not begging to be seen I can wish you love from a distance Because I found it in me I won’t disappear, disappear Not for you, not for anybody else I won’t disappear, disappear I loved you But I chose me

I told you in the beginning I don’t beg to be adored I don’t chase a half-lit hallway When I know I’m worth the door You said you wanted something stunning Then you acted like it hurt When I stood there in my own light And expected to come first I gave you all the warnings In plain black and white Said, “Baby, pray I keep talking ’Cause quiet means goodbye” You rolled your eyes like I was dramatic Called it nagging when I asked for care Funny little tragedy, isn’t it? I was still in love when I was standing there You called it nagging I called it trying Funny how silence Sounds just like dying I warned you, baby Pray I keep fighting ’Cause when I go, I go When I go, I go I don’t beg for attention Don’t audition for love I was the prize in your kitchen And you still looked up and shrugged So don’t look so surprised Like you didn’t know I warned you, baby When I go, I go Oh, I told you so I told you so Not in a cute way In a look-what-you-broke way Oh, I told you so I told you so When I go, I go When I go, I go You loved me loud in the opening scene Then changed the script by page two Left me learning all the silence Of a man I almost knew You made me scared to need you Made me lonely next to you Made me feel like I was asking For too much by asking truth And isn’t that pathetic? Not me, baby, you Had a woman who would love you And you called that pressure too I gave you chances, I gave you patience I gave you every open door But I’m not your little warning light You get to keep ignoring anymore You called it nagging I called it trying Funny how silence Sounds just like dying I warned you,